Bakura's Eviction Notice
by Kohaku Ishtar
Summary: Bakura got kicked to the curb (yet again) and has to beg his hikari for a place to stay. Reluctantly, Ryou agrees, but fails to mention it to his fiance... Rated R for strong language. Possible lemons
1. Kicked to the Curb

I don't own Yu Gi Oh…

                                                          Kicked to the Curb

   Bakura grumbled to himself as the last of his luggage was sat onto the curb and the taxi pulled off. Of all the days to be evicted, it just had to be one where it was raining. Turning around, he looked up at the place that was going to be his home for a while. As much as he didn't want to, Bakura was forced to call his hikari and beg for a place to stay. (Which was no easy task due to the fact that Ryou had already kicked him out twice for…uuh…happening to find random bodies in the basement.) 

   Bakura struggled to carry his belongings up the steps and through the door. (It happened to be locked so he had to scrounge around for the spare key, which only made him grumpier.)

   "Why the hell did he lock the door?" He muttered to himself, entering the foyer and dropping his luggage right on the spot.

   The first thing he did was make a b line for the fridge. He was starving, and the only shit that was left at his apartment (after the refrigerator had been taken) was mayonnaise that had some funk growing on it.

   Before he opened the fridge door, he noticed a note put there by Ryou.

   ::Bakura,

         I'm on a date, don't know when I'll be back but make yourself at home.

         Ryou

            P.S. When I say make yourself at home…I use the term loosely.::

   Bakura simply snorted as he crumpled up the letter and proceeded on his quest to find food. Looking through the fridge all he could find were some bean sprouts, and other assorted veggies, sake, and some gray looking shit that when he picked it up, felt like putty. 

   Becoming desperate he continued his search in the cabinets, but nothing looked any better. That funked up mayonnaise was beginning to look quite appetizing.

   Scowling, he slammed the cabinet door shut and walked into the living room, tracking mud in with him. He flopped down on the couch, and decided to watch some TV while he drifted off to sleep.

                                                * * *

Ryou was met with a nasty surprise when he led Malik into the foyer. Bakura's luggage was sprawled out all over the place.

   "Is there something you wanna tell me?" Malik asked curiously. Ryou had "failed" to tell him that Bakura would be living with him for a while, because he knew that it would dampen Malik's spirits. Which is something that Ryou didn't particularly care to do because, when Malik was angry…shit happened.

   "N-no, why?" He asked nervously. He peered into the living room, and saw Bakura, out like a light. 'Oh god.' He sighed mentally. "How bout we go into the kitchen." He suggested, wanting to keep Malik from seeing Bakura.

   "The kitchen huh?" Malik said with a grin as he playfully nipped at Ryou's neck. "Sure…we've never done it there."

    "Uhhh heh…s-sure." He replied, wanting to do anything to keep Malik from seeing the knocked out mess on the couch.

   Now, it wasn't that Malik didn't like Bakura…well, he didn't like him too much…but Malik tended to get jealous over the two, even when he and Ryou weren't even dating.

   Ryou had also failed to tell Bakura that he was seeing Malik for fear that Bakura would do everything in his power to try and ruin the relationship. He had asked Ryou out before. Ryou tried it, and came to the conclusion that even though they looked alike…they acted nothing alike. Bakura was a slob and a narcissistic sex freak. Although…Malik wasn't much different in that area.

   The two entered the kitchen to find it ripped to shreds. Drawers pulled out and cabinet doors left open, along with mud tracks on the floor. '

   "Oh my Gods Ryou…what happened?" Malik said, assessing the damages.

   "Uh…erm." Ryou darted his eyes around the kitchen, to afraid to be mad at Bakura at that moment.

   "Well, obviously we can't have sex in here." Malik said with a grin as he made his way through the kitchen and to the living room.

   "No!" Ryou yelled, grabbing onto Malik's arm. "No, that's ok…I-I like it dirty." He said, trying his best to sound sexy, but there was still a quiver in his voice.

   "That's foul Ryou…seriously…mud everywhere. C'mon, we can try the living room once." Malik pulled on his arm as Ryou braced himself for hell.

   Coming to a halt in the middle of the living room, Malik's jaw dropped.

   "What the hell!" He screamed.

At that, Bakura shot up so fast that he fell off the couch.

   "I didn't do it, I swear!" He yelled, still half asleep. Coming to grips with himself, and finally realizing who was in the living room, he felt his face grow hot.

   "How long has he been here Ryou? Huh? And how long did you think it would last before I found out!?" Malik yelled, advancing on Ryou. "So, are you seeing him again? Or is he just "staying here" like he always does?"

   "Oh, sorry Malik." Bakura spoke up as he walked over to Ryou and put his arm around him. "Hate for it to be like this but he's mine."

   "No I'm not!" Ryou ripped Bakura's hand off of him and gave Malik a pleading look. "Malik, I'm sorry…I should have told you sooner. Um…Bakura's gunna stay here for a short time. A SHORT TIME!" He repeated glaring at Bakura. "But, that doesn't mean anything, honestly."

   "Oh, Ryou, I got a question." Bakura said.

   "What!" Ryou snapped, loosing his temper with Bakura already.

   "Where the hell is all the real food? I'm starving!"

   "Malik's a vegetarian." He stated simply, feeling that it needed no explanation.

   "So?" Bakura asked, wanting to know what that had to do with anything.

   "Well…uhh…" Ryou looked at the ground, blushing slightly.

    "We're getting married." Malik said definably.

    "Huh-wha?" Bakura's eyes shot wide open, and he couldn't believe what he had just heard.

   "Yea…and I've called a marriage councilor." Ryou added. "We have a ten o'clock meeting tomorrow.

   "Psh…well have fun ruining your life." Bakura snorted.

   "You're coming." Ryou said sadly to him.

   "What!!" Both Bakura and Malik screamed in unison.

   "I told the counselor about our…uh…circumstances…and he finds that it would be best if you were to come along."

   "Oh, hell no. No nonononononono!" Bakura screamed shaking his head. "I came here to stay for a while…not to get caught up in your uuh…disgusting love life." He added staring at Malik with the look of utmost loathing.

   "And if you wish to continue living here, you'll go to that marriage counseling or your sorry, freeloading ass can sleep in a dumpster!" Ryou snapped. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm going to make dinner."

   With that, he walked out of the room followed by Malik, who didn't look all that happy.

   Bakura flopped back down on the sofa and scowled. "No good…goddamn bastard…going to a freggin' councilor."  

                                       * * *

   "Ryou…I mean…I, don't think this is such a good idea." Malik whispered softly while the two set the table. "Bakura…isn't the most civil person. Hell, if we keep him there too long he might end up killing the counselor."

   "Like you wouldn't?" Ryou sniggered as he put the pot of tomato based sauce on the table. 

   "Well…yea, but I haven't tried to kill anyone in a long time. I know you don't like it. But Bakura doesn't seem to get the picture." Malik put down two plates, but Ryou scolded him and made him put down another one, insisting that Bakura was going to eat with them.

   "I tried…" He whispered to himself. Ryou heard him and gave him that look that he couldn't stand.

   "What?!" He whined.

   "I want you two to be nice to each other. You don't have to talk to him, but just be civilized."

   "Ok…" He responded gloomily.

   "Thank you." Ryou gave Malik a short but sweet peck on the lips before he sat three pairs of chopsticks down.

   "What's for dinner?" Bakura asked, marching into the kitchen and taking a seat. He saw the pot of sauce and smiled. "Ooo, spaghetti and meatballs-"

   "No meatballs." Ryou said as he and Malik took their places.

   "What the…oh yea." He flopped his head in his hand. "I'm gunna die here." He moaned.

   Ryou ignored him and served up the noodles, pouring the tomato sauce over them.

   Malik began with a salad, and Bakura just stared at him, muttering something that sounded like "Sissy food."

   "So, Malik tell me something." Bakura started.

   "What?"

   "Why is it exactly that you don't eat meat?" He asked with a hint of amusement.

   "Well, it's cruel. Have you ever seen the conditions these animals live in before they're heartlessly slaughtered?" Malik responded.

   "You've got to be kidding me…you mean to tell me that you don't eat meat because you feel sorry for a cow?" Bakura struggled to keep from laughing when he noticed the look on Ryou's face. "So, you can kill people and be all heartless and cruel, but you can't eat a meatball?"

   "That's enough Bakura." Ryou said calmly.

Bakura snorted, and Malik glared at him as he stuffed his mouth with noodles. The three continued their meal in silence, until Ryou felt Malik playing footsies with him. Ryou smiled coyly at him, and Malik stared back, not in a cute way, but looking confused. 

   Ryou felt Malik's foot rub up his leg and he raised an eyebrow. Malik continued to look clueless and Ryou looked under the table to find Bakura's foot on his leg.

   "Bakura!!" He yelled.

   "What!?" He shouted, trying to sound innocent.

   "You are so annoying! You act like a five year old!" Ryou slammed his chopsticks down on the table, excused himself, and left Bakura laughing uncontrollably at the table.

   Malik couldn't stand to even be in the same room with the annoying fucker, so he left as well.

   Bakura seemed to not have noticed, because he continued to laugh.

   "I can't stand him!" Ryou said as Malik hugged him close. "If that counselor doesn't get through to him, I'm kicking him out."

   Malik raised his eyebrows a little. It wasn't like his little Ryou to be this heartless, but having Bakura out of the house did seem rather appealing. 

   "Shh…it's ok." He said soothingly. "I'm sure he'll get through to Bakura. Somehow…"

   "I hope…for Bakura's sake."

   "Lets stop thinking about Bakura…we haven't had a moment to ourselves all afternoon."

   Ryou smiled as Malik pushed him down on the couch and climbed on top of him. Slowly, Malik unbuttoned Ryou's shirt and spread it open, trailing his fingers down his lover's stomach.

   Ryou chuckled. "That tickles." He said, picking up Malik's hand and moving it up to his lips, kissing it softly.

   "You're too cute." Malik smiled, coming in close until he could feel Ryou's warm breath on his face. There was absolutely nothing about Ryou that didn't drive him crazy. Ryou, the sweet innocent little boy that Malik had met months ago while teaming up with Bakura at Battle City. Every little thing that Ryou did to him was amazing.

   He brought his lips down on Ryou's when he felt movement at the other end of the couch. He didn't want to move, he wanted to kiss those lips forever, but when he felt someone push his legs, he had to pull away.

   "Get a room."

   Turning around Malik and Ryou scowled at him as they sat up.

   "What? I'm trying to watch TV here." Bakura said, as if he had done nothing wrong.

Discusted, Ryou got up from the couch, and ran to his bedroom.

   "You know, this is Ryou's house. You could show some manners you pig." Malik snapped before he too left the living room.

   "Blaa blaa blaa." Bakura mocked. "Good, now I have the whole couch." 

                                            * * *

 That's chappie one. Don't forget to review!! Arigato!


	2. Counseling Hell

I don't own Yu Gi Oh…have fun reading ch. 2

                                                                Counseling Hell

"Ba-ku-ra! Get up!"

   Bakura felt himself falling off the couch and hitting the floor with a thud.

   "What the hell…" He yelled opening his eyes to find Ryou standing over him.

   "It's nine O'clock, time to get up. We have an appointment in an hour." Ryou left him sitting there on the floor as he went into the kitchen.

   "Oh shit…" He grumbled, standing up and stumbling in the kitchen, where Malik was sitting drinking coffee and reading his favorite issue of Shonen Jump. 

   "What do you want for breakfast?" Ryou asked him as Bakura began his morning hunt for anything edible.

   "I'll just make myself some toast." Bakura said, pulling out a loaf of bread.

   "Suit yourself." Ryou shrugged. "I'm going to go take a shower."

Malik looked up at Ryou, as if begging him not to leave him alone with the insanely insane psychopath.

   Ryou only smiled at him while he walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs. 

Malik buried his nose in the magazine and tried his best to ignore the tomb robber, but his attempts were failing.

   "Stupid piece of shit!" Bakura yelled, slamming his hand down on the bread, pushing it in the toaster.

   "You know, there is a handle on it." Malik said looking over his magazine and eyeing Bakura as if he were the dumbest thing alive.

   "Oh…" Bakura looked at the side of it and slid the lever down to the bottom, chuckling softly to himself. "Heh heh…imagine that."

   "Baka." Malik muttered under his breath as he took another sip of coffee.

   "So…nice day isn't it?" Bakura said as he sat down next to Malik and drummed his fingers on the table.

   Malik simply grunted in response.

   "Yea…"

Malik continued to read Shonen Jump and ignore Bakura.

   "Malik, this is buggin the hell outta me…why are you so…so…"

   "So?" Malik said, looking over the magazine again.

   "So boring?" Bakura finally said. "I mean, remember the good ol' days when we would plot how to kill Yugi Mutou? Heh heh…that was fun."

   Malik could feel his hands shaking with rage…he didn't want to remember those days. 

   "You used to be so evil, but now…well I'm sad to say it, but…you're just a sissy."

   "Fuck you." Malik said quietly.

   "Uh huh…that's what you used to say…" Bakura eyed him lewdly.

   Bakura turned around and saw smoke coming from the toaster.

   "Dammit!" He yelled when he tried to pop up the button. "It's stuck."

Bakura looked around the kitchen trying to find anything to un-stick the toast, when his eyes rested on a knife by the sink. He picked it up and jammed it in the toaster.

   Malik just sat back and watched. "I don't think that's such a good idea." He cautioned halfheartedly.

   "Shut up." Bakura snapped. "It's perfectly-Aah Shit!" He screamed, pulling his hand away. "The stupid thing shocked me!"

   "Huh…imagine that." Malik said amusedly.

By now, the toaster was emitting black smoke, and Bakura, becoming desperate pulled it out of the socket and slammed it on the ground, breaking it in two.

   "There, problem solved." He picked up the black toast from the floor and shoved it in his mouth.

   "So…Bakura tell me. Why did you get evicted?"

   "Oh…they said I was a fire hazard." Bakura shrugged, finishing his last bite of toast.

   "Oh." Malik said, raising his eyebrows as he turned his attention back to his magazine.

                                                    * * *

   The three boys sat in the reception area of the Marriage counselor's office in awkward silence until his secretary said that he was ready for them.

   "Please have a seat." He said, motioning to a love seat made for two people, but Bakura managed to squeeze on the end.

   "My name's Matachi Kajiki." He said as he crossed his legs in that "I'm going to evaluate you mentally" way.

   "Um, hi. I'm Ryou, and this is my fiancé Malik."

   "Congratulations." He said curtly shaking Malik's hand. "And you must be Bakura." Matachi outstretched his hand, but Bakura continued to sit there staring at him evilly. He had the sudden urge to break something. Like that stupid counselor's leg.

   "Right…well let's begin then." He said, adjusting his glasses. "Malik why don't we start with you?" He smiled in Malik's direction.

   "Sure…" Malik responded, not sharing Matachi's enthusiasm. He too could feel that odd sense of bitterness.

   "What brings you here?"

   "Ryou." He answered simply.

   "I see…well, how do you feel your relationship is with him so far?"

   "Why the hell do you need to know?"

   "Well…I am a marriage counselor." He said proudly.

   "Fine." Malik mumbled. 

   "And what about your relationship with Bakura?"

   "I hate him."

   "Yea well I hate you too!" Bakura retorted.

   "Well, its not my fault that you're so dumb and lazy that you get kicked out of your apartment!" Malik shouted.

   "Bitch!" Bakura yelled.

   "Two cent whore!"

   Bakura jumped off the couch and so did Malik. Ryou put his head in his hands. 

   "Why me?" He muttered sadly.

    "Boys, boys, lets settle down." Matachi said, raising his hands. Ryou simply rolled his eyes. He knew that this wouldn't go too well.

   "Ok, Bakura, would you like to tell Malik anything?"

   "Like what?" Bakura said gruffly, sitting back down on the couch.

   "Oh, I don't know…why don't you start with how you feel?"

   "Ok." A smirk spread across Bakura's face. "Well, lets see. I don't think you should get married, first of all. Second, I think you need to start eating some meat and acting like a man! Don't let someone like Ryou control you!"

   "He doesn't!" Malik said defensively.

   "Well, you're here aren't you?"

   "So are you, ya dumb ass!"

   Bakura leaned back in the sofa and looked away.

   Matachi put a hand to his forehead, and Ryou looked as if he could cry.

   "And one more thing." Bakura added. "I still think you've got that psycho killer in you." He said wishfully.

   "Do not."

   "Do too."

   "Do not!"

   "Do too!!"

   "Not!!"

   "Too!"

    "SHUT UP!" Ryou suddenly yelled. "Bakura, Malik is not a demoniac insane killer…anymore."

   "What's this?" Matachi suddenly spoke up.

   "Oh uh…I used to…well, I was a little on the evil side…I, ya know…liked to plot horrible deaths and stuff…"

    Matachi looked at Malik as if he would pull out a knife and kill him on the spot.

   "What are you lookin at me for? It's him you gotta be worried about! He still likes to do that stuff!!"

   Matachi turned his attention to Bakura, who could only smile as if that were a complement.

   "He's right."

   "I see…" Matachi said nervously. "A-and why do you do these things? Do you have pent up anger?"

   "No."

   "Do you want to get back at the world for something?"

   "No."

   "Well then, why the hell do you do it?"

   "It's just fun ok!?!" Bakura shouted at him.

   "I see…well, I think we've made a breakthrough." Matachi put his hands together as he stared intensely at the three boys.

   "Ryou, is there anything you'd like to comment on?"

   "Yes, plenty. First off…I didn't feel like I had a choice on letting Bakura stay with us." Ryou started.

   "And why is that?"

   "Well, since he is my Yami and all…"

   "Your what?"

   "Long story. Anyway…he's a slob, an evil killer, a horrible boyfriend, a destructive person, a childish brat…

Fifteen minutes later…

   A complete asshole, and…he's annoying." Ryou, after finishing what he had wanted to say forever just sunk back in the couch.

   "I see…" Matachi turned to Bakura. "And what do you think about that Bakura?"

   "Huh? Oh yea, whatever he said." Bakura was starting to drift off into his own little world, dreaming about some horrible way to kill the counselor…and Malik.

   "I see…"

   "YOU SEE! YOU SEE! WE GET IT YOU SEE! WELL WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SEE? THE END OF YOUR BIG NOSE YOU DUMB SHIT HEAD!" Bakura couldn't take it anymore; he had been sitting still for far to long next to someone he didn't like and across form someone who was bugging the hell out of him.

   "T-thank you Bakura, that will be all." He grabbed Bakura's arm and led him out the door. "We'll call you when we're finished." Matachi ran back into the room slamming the door behind him.

   "Dumb shit head…gunna kill him…first chance I get…trying to evaluate me…dumb shit head…" Bakura mumbled as he sat down in the chair and crossed his arms. "What are you lookin at?" He snapped at the secretary before she jumped and went back to whatever it was that she was doing.

 Bakura needs help…. Aheh heh heh ::laughs nervously:: seriously….


	3. What a Shocker

I don't own Yu Gi Oh (that includes Malik…darn…)

                                                                         ~ What a Shocker ~ 

Sometime later, after Bakura had threatened the secretary at least ten times, Malik and Ryou walked out of Mr. Matachi's office. And to Bakura's dismay both were looking rather happy…especially Malik. Which gave him an uneasy feeling.

   "Finally." He grumbled. "What the hell took you so long? You didn't have to show him how you fuck did you?" Bakura smirked nastily as he stood up from the chair where he was sitting.

   "Bakura!" Ryou shouted, blushing.

   "Um…Bakura," Mr. Matachi spoke nervously.

   "What?" He snapped nastily.

   "Um…well…I think that when you get home…uuh…Ryou and Malik will have to explain some things to you…and well that's all!" He ran back in his office and slammed the door before Bakura could get his hands on him.

   Bakura quickly turned his attention to the two boys who were making his life hell, he didn't really know if he wanted to hear about some sick and twisted plan that Matachi came up with.

   "What's he talking about?" He asked skeptically.

   "I-It can wait until we get home…" Ryou muttered. Malik looked as if he had died and gone to heaven.

   "Wipe that smile off your face!"

   "Shut up." Malik said simply before he and Ryou walked out the door, leaving Bakura standing there, alone and confused, until he snapped out of it and ran after them.

   Arriving home, Malik could hardly wait to tell Bakura the "good news".

Bakura, on the other hand was as nervous as a sheep in a lion's den as he sat there on the couch. Ryou came and sat down next to him, trying to put on a serious face.

   "Um…Bakura. Mr. Matachi thinks that it's best if…well that is if you don't mind…that you wear this." Ryou brought his hand out from behind his back and revealed what he was hiding.

   Malik was trying desperately to control his laughter, but it wasn't working too well.

   Bakura gazed wide-eyed at a little black choker that looked more like a dog collar than anything.

   "You're joking." He said in all seriousness.

   "Nope!" Malik said, still laughing hard. "So put it on, you little pit bull!" 

   "What the fuck?! I ain't your dog! There is no way in hell I'm wearing this!" He snatched it out of Ryou's hands and threw it across the room.

   Ryou put on a more serious face. "You will if you want a place to stay."

   "Well then…" Bakura glared at both of them. "Oh shit…" Bakura slumped over to where the collar lay, snatched it up, and secured it around his neck.

   "That's a good boy." Malik joked, only to have Bakura glower at him.

   "Now Bakura…we have to explain some things to you." Ryou started. "This isn't just an ordinary collar. It's a shock collar."

   "What!!" Bakura clawed at it, frantically trying to get it off.

   "Oh, and it won't come off unless one of us deactivates it." Malik said amusedly.

   "Mr. Matachi gave us each a control button." Ryou showed him his. "It has a power button, and a voltage magnitude switch that goes from one to ten. We set it depending on how much we think you deserve."

   "Well this is a load of --AAAH!" Bakura jumped five feet in the air, and when he could feel his body again, he shot a nasty look right at Malik, who had tears in his eyes.

   "I…was just seeing if it worked." He said, laughing really hard.

   "Malik and I promised that we would only use it if we feel you need it."

   "Yea…well Malik's gunna kill me." He panted, starting to lose the feeling in his leg.  

   "No he wont…he promised too."

   "Yea…well what good is the promise of an ex murderer?"

   "You know…you're right." Malik said with an evil grin.

   "AAAH!" Bakura yelled again.

   "Now Malik we promised we wouldn't do that unless he did something wrong." Ryou scolded him.

   "Well then, that was for calling me an ex murderer." He said, justifying his actions.

   "I'm gunna die…" Bakura mumbled to himself. "AAAH!"

   "That was for being so pessimistic." Malik smiled at him.

   Bakura stared at him…tempted to say something, but knowing that he would only be shocked again. 

   "Oh and Ryou…Bakura broke your favorite toaster this morning."

   "What!?!" It was as if something snapped inside of him. He brought the voltage all the way up to ten.  "Take that!"

   "AAAH!" Bakura yelped.

   "Here Bakura, have another one!"

   "AAAH!"

Malik sat back and laughed. He had never seen this side of Ryou before…and he kinda liked it.

   "Why'd you do it Bakura!?!

   "I didn't—AAAH!"

   "This is great." Malik chuckled to himself. Before long…Bakura was bound to want to leave them after all this torture.

                                                * * *

   Late that evening Bakura sat alone on the couch while Malik and Ryou were upstairs. He had complained about not having any meat again tonight, and both Ryou and Malik shocked him at the same time. Ryou's excuse was that he didn't appreciate him making fun of what he cooked for dinner. And Malik's excuse was that Bakura was making fun of him again for being a vegetarian.

   He sat there on the couch…franticly trying to come up with a plan to get back at them…well…mostly Malik because he hated him more. But that was beside the point. He had given up hope when the best thing he thought of was sticking Malik's head in the toilet and giving him a swirlie.

   'I'm losing my touch.' He thought hopelessly, flopping his head in his hands. All of his appendages…ALL…of his appendages were numb, and every so often he would twitch involuntarily. This whole situation was completely unfair. All he needed was a place to stay. He wasn't that much trouble to have around. Sure, he might be a slob. And yea…Ryou might have ran across a few things in the basement a couple of times…but hey, other then that, it was like he wasn't there at all. 

   'Think Bakura, think!' He shouted mentally smacking himself in the head…but the well had run dry. Either that or it was shocked to death.

   Giving up, he flopped down on the couch and watched some TV…slowly drifting off to sleep when… "AAAH!" Bakura quickly jumped off the sofa, only to hear soft laughter coming from behind it.

   "You bastard!" He yelled charging at Malik.

   "I don't think so Bakura!" He yelled back before emitting another nasty shock that made Bakura stop in his tracks. "I was only testing to make sure it still worked…and watta ya know? It does! Oyasumi Nasai Bakura!" Malik walked up the stairs and when he reached the top, gave Bakura one more nasty jolt.

   "AAAH! What the hell was that for?!?"

   "For being you!"

   Bakura sulked back over to the couch, still shaking with a mix of rage and electricity. Was this even legal? And if so…this would have been a nice way to kill Yugi Mutou…

   "Goddamnit…the things I put up with…need a plan…horrible deaths…sissy Malik…goddamnit…" But after a long while of thought it hit him…he knew exactly what he was going to do…it wouldn't be easy…but he would just have to have some patients…which wasn't going to be easy either.

   OoO…What could Bakura be scheming?  


	4. The Long Road to Revenge

Umm…yea, it's been about two months since I've updated this story. It's because I've been so busy with A New Light and The Evil One…but oh well.* shrugs * Cant always get what we want, now can we? Just letting you know…Malik's a little OOC in this chapter…but nothing drastic…in fact…I could definitely see him doing something like this (but hey, that's just me)…anyhoo…enjoy!

                                                         ~ The Long Road to Revenge ~

The first step on Bakura's road to revenge started early the next morning. Which was extremely hard for him because he wasn't a morning person. But he wanted to get out of the house before either of the two had a chance to wake up and shock him. Walking into the kitchen he glanced at the clock on the microwave. It was only 6:45. Before he left though, he decided to fix himself another piece of toast but then he remembered that he smashed the toaster the other day.

   "Dammit, why do things never go my way?" He grumbled, biting off a piece of plain white bread. He liked toast, and he wasn't going to let a little thing like that stop him. So he decided that he was going to buy another one today. There was only one problem…he had absolutely no money.

   'Heh heh…' Bakura smiled as he shoved the last piece of bread in his mouth. Things like that were easily solved. Making sure to be totally quiet, he tiptoed up stairs and made his way to Ryou's room.

                                               * * *

   "Morning," Malik whispered in Ryou's ear. "It's almost 8 o'clock."

Ryou simply groaned as he turned around and shoved the pillow over his head.

   "Time to get up." Malik said, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy. Seeing that nothing was going to wake him up, Malik scowled. "I'm going to go have sex with Bakura."

   "Mmm…" Ryou mumbled from under the pillow.

Malik frowned. "Bakura's outside dancing naked in front of the next door neighbor's children again."

   "Oh shit!" Ryou shot up in the bed so fast that he almost knocked Malik off. Malik couldn't help but laugh at the expression on Ryou's face. His hair was all messed up and covering one eye, but the other eye was wide with shock, until Ryou realized that Malik was only kidding. Then he simply pouted and flopped back down on the bed, intent on getting at least another half-hour of sleep. But Malik had other plans.

   "I said get up!" He said, before pouncing on Ryou.

   "Ok…ok…" Ryou mumbled, with the wind knocked out of him. "Gods…cant you just set the alarm clock?" He got off the bed and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

   "It's much more fun this way." He chuckled to himself.

   Ryou only grumbled as he shut the bathroom door behind him.

Malik sighed as he flopped back down on the bed. This was definitely going to be a better day than yesterday. No Bakura, and no marriage counselor. They were going to go out to a fancy restaurant in downtown Tokyo. They had been planning this night for weeks, and Malik wasn't going to let someone like Bakura ruin it for them. In fact, if Bakura came anywhere near them today he was going to receive quite a nasty shock, and perhaps a good ol' kick in the ass. 

   Yup, today was going to be a good one. Malik started to dose off again just thinking about it when suddenly a loud scream from the bathroom made him shoot up in the bed.

   "AAAH!!!"

He made his way across the hallway and opened the bathroom door to find Ryou standing there in a towel, dripping wet with steam rising off of his body.

   "Ryou, it's too early to turn me on…do this again after dinner and then I'll go crazy, but I'm still tired." Malik groaned, disappointed that a scene like this was totally wasted on him this morning.

   "No!" Ryou squealed. "Look!" He held out his hand allowing Malik to examine it. At first glance everything seemed normal, but upon further investigation, Malik realized that something was missing.

   "My ring!! My engagement ring is missing!!" Ryou was on the verge of tears.

Malik also became slightly frustrated.

   "Did you take it off anywhere?" He asked, feeling a busting headache coming on. 'Why today?' He moaned mentally.

   "No…t-the last time I remembered seeing it was last night…then I got into the shower and I noticed it was missi…"

   Both turned their attention to the drain at the bottom of the shower.

   "I'll go get the tool box." Malik said monotonously. Maybe this wasn't going to be his day after all. 

                                                 * * *

   Bakura whistled to himself as he walked along the sidewalk making his way to downtown Tokyo to do some pawning. This was the best way for him to make money (at least it was the best legal way that he could think of anyway). Smirking to himself with a rather high amount of self satisfaction, Bakura walked down the side street that lead to his favorite pawn shop in all of Tokyo. Busters, You Have It; We'll Steal It From You PawnShop…it reminded him of the good ol' days when he used to do a lot of stealing from random Pharaohs' tombs.

   Stepping in the door, he was immediately greeted by the one person in his life that he could almost stand. Sid. 

   Sid owned the pawnshop (and that often made Bakura wonder why it was called Busters) and he knew Bakura well, for Bakura was a frequent customer.

   "Hey Bakura!" Sid said, welcoming the old tomb robber. "Watcha got for me today?" He paused as he looked at the little black choker on Bakura's neck

   Bakura, quick to take Sid's attention off of his shock collar immediately held out his hand, and in his palm was a little gold ring. "This is it today. But I don't want money for it."

   Sid picked up the ring with his pointer finger and his thumb. "What did you have in mind?" He asked, bringing it closer to his eyes.

   "A toaster."

   "A what?!?" Sid exclaimed.

   "You heard me." Bakura growled, becoming impatient.

   Sid took the ring over to the counter, followed closely by Bakura. He took his little jewelry examiner out from under the counter and looked at the ring through it.

   After about a minute of tense silence Bakura had to say something.

   "Well!?"

   "Bakura, I wouldn't even give you 100 yen for this."

   "What!?!" Bakura slammed his hands down on the counter and peered over at Sid, who had a sheepish look on his face due to the fact that Bakura looked like he could kill him.

    "Run that by me again." Bakura spoke menacingly.

   "I-if you don't believe me…t-there's a Zales right down the street…have them examine it for you…b-but it doesn't even look like real gold to me." He said warily.

   Bakura grabbed onto Sid's shirt collar. "If I find out you're lying to me…" He threatened.

   Sid merely squeaked like a mouse in response.

   Bakura let go of him, snatched the ring off the counter and made his way out the door…just great…he only wanted toast…and now he probably wasn't even going to get it.

                                                 * * *

   Ryou sat anxiously on the edge of the bed, towel wrapped around his waist, while Malik was in the bathroom trying to plunge out the shower drain. His head was hurting like mad and he definitely felt as if his day was ruined. Almost nothing could brighten it now.

   However, after his long moment of silence, a noise reached his ear, and it sounded oddly like…singing?!?

   Quietly he snuck across the hallway, the sound, getting increasingly louder, and the tune was familiar.

   He peered around the bathroom door to find Malik bent over the shower drain.

   "It's raining men…praise Ra, it's raining men…la la la…it's raining men…praise Ra it's…AHH!" Malik yelped as he felt a wet towel whip him in the ass. Turning around he found Ryou doubled over with laughter.

   "I couldn't resist!" He chuckled, trying to catch his breath.  

   Malik blushed slightly; he was rather embarrassed that Ryou caught him singing his second favorite song…but oh well.

   "You're gunna pay for that." He sneered wickedly.

   "Oh really?" Ryou raised an eyebrow. He was standing in the doorway, still wrapped up in a towel. Malik took full advantage of this. He put his tools down and reached over, ripping the towel off of Ryou's body, leaving the little white haired boy standing there, stark naked with his mouth hanging wide open.

   "Malik!!" Ryou bounded across the hallway, and Malik followed, staring at Ryou's cute little butt the whole way…it was a little bit later in the day…and unlike this morning…seeing Ryou naked had a whole different effect.

   Ryou ran for the bed and grabbed the sheets, trying to cover himself. Malik closed and locked the bedroom door…finding the ring could wait. There was no way that Ryou was going to escape him this time.

   "Malik that was totally wrong!!" He shouted.

   "I know…but when have I ever done anything that was right?" He sneered, coming closer to Ryou.

   "Yea, I guess you got a point." A small smile spread across Ryou's face as Malik's hands crept their way around his waist. Malik pushed the smaller boy down on the bed and slowly climbed on top of him.

   "You know…there's nothing between me and you except that sheet."

   "I know…" 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

   Wadd I tell ya? * starts singing and dancing *  "It's raining Malik!! Praise Ra, and Allah and Buddha and God and…" * fifteen minutes later * "Osiris and Amun it's raining Malik!! La la la!!…"

   Hey! It could happen… "If all the snowflakes were Ishtars and milkshakes…"

Malik: ^_^ she's a little too sugar happy…

Y. Malik: Hook me up…this place is dulls vill.

Here you go. * Hands him a piece of her Malik birthday cake * Enjoy

Malik: * stares blankly at the cake in his Yami's hands * I-is that me?

Yup

Malik: What the hell?!? I'm on a freggin' cake now?!?

Y. Malik: Not anymore * smiles and shoves it in his mouth * yum yum. 


	5. You're In Trouble Now!

                                                                ~ You're in Trouble Now! ~

   The disgruntled evil spirit stepped out of the Zales shop in downtown Tokyo. He couldn't believe how incredibly pissed he was. He was, in fact, moments away from blowing up the whole damn store when some of the store clerks pointed out his "lack of taste in jewelry" as they gawked at the gaudy black collar. He felt his face grow hot, but lucky for them; his brilliant scheming mind had quickly found a way to turn this situation to his favor.

   They had informed him that the ring was in fact a useless hunk of shit and he wouldn't be able to get so much as a palm reading for it. About to rip someone's head off, he suddenly realized something.

   And that is why now; he is happily walking down the sidewalk back to Ryou's house, about to get Malik into some serious trouble.

                                              * * *

   Upon entering the two story brick house Bakura heard a slight moan coming from up stairs.

   "Oh that's sick." He said to himself as he tried to get the mental picture of those two out of his mind. Although, jealousy was creeping up in the back of his mind. He wanted to get Malik in trouble so bad, but even he couldn't muster up the courage to walk in on Malik when he was in the middle of getting some. He had made that mistake once...let's just say Malik pulled a yami on his ass; or something to that effect. What ever it was, Bakura had made it a point never to do it again.

   He didn't know how long they had been going at it, or how much longer they were going to go, but he decided to pass the time by watching TV, which was a favorite pastime of his.

* * *

   Bakura didn't know how long he had been asleep, but when his dark chocolate eyes had finally opened he realized that his head was hanging off the sofa and his feet were propped up on the back. He had a busting headache from all of the blood rushing to his head.

   "Owww..." He grumbled sliding off the couch and falling onto the floor. He simply lay there for a moment with his eyes closed, allowing his blood to settle back where it belonged.

   Pushing his white bangs out of his face he looked out the window. It was starting to get dark out.

   "Aw shit..." He strained his neck to see the microwave clock in the kitchen. It was seven o' clock. Bakura listened for any noises coming from upstairs, and heard nothing but running water and Malik singing in the shower.

   "I'm getting so fucking sick of that song..." He complained. But he decided to seize this moment and have a little chatty-chat with his hikari.

   Before he started upstairs he reached into his pocket and pulled out the cheep ring. He threw it up in the air and snatched it in his fist as his grin widened. This was going to be so much fun...

   Sliding the ring back in his pocket he walked up the stairs and made his way past the bathroom and towards Ryou's room. But as he was passing the bathroom and that god awful song was ringing in his ears; another little idea popped into his already brilliant scheming mind.

   Quietly he turned the doorknob and squeezed through the small opening. Malik was still singing and was oblivious to anything.

   "It's raining men...praise Ra I'm getting laid..." And so the screeching ensued. It was enough to make Bakura's ears ring. Especially when Malik, out of nowhere would throw in a random high note, along with words that weren't really in the song.

   He couldn't help but laugh as he turned the knob on the sink and then flushed the toilet. After that he quickly ran out of the bathroom and shut the door. Just to be extra mean (that's our Bakura!) he propped the small desk that was in the hallway against the door. And sure enough the horrid screeching stopped and was replaced with a sound that Bakura loved to hear.

   "Ahhh!!! Holy shit that's hot!!!"

Bakura heard Malik step out of the shower and walked over to the door. Then...

BAM!

The door knob twisted and Malik was still yelling and banging on the door.

   "Bakura you ass! Get back here! I know you did this!! Lemme out now!!!"

Bakura just sniggered as he walked across the hall and went into Ryou's room. That should contain the annoying nuisance for a while.

   He poked his head around the corner of the doorway. He saw Ryou changing, and he wasn't about to turn away. After he had stopped liking Malik, Bakura had come to the conclusion that Ryou had to have had the sexiest body on earth. And he wasn't about to pass up this perfect opportunity to see his little hikari naked.

   But the moment was too good to last because as Ryou pulled his tan polo shirt on over his head, he turned around and saw a rather aroused looking evil spirit standing behind him.

   "Bakura!" He shouted. Ryou reached over to his dresser and picked up the little shock remote. "Don't do that again!" And then he pressed the button.

   Bakura yelped a little as a small shock went coursing through his body. Oh well, it was a small price to pay in order to see Ryou naked.

   "Dammit Ryou would you give that thing a rest?!?" He growled as he walked over and flopped down on the bed.

   "Did you come in here for a reason?" Ryou asked, sounding slightly annoyed. "Because if not, then I'll have to ask you to leave so I can get ready." He turned to his bureau and looked at himself in the mirror as he fixed his hair.

   "Where the hell do you have to be anyway?" Bakura chuckled. "Ryou, you're such a dork, you never go anywhere." Ryou sprayed something on his body as he narrowed his eyes and glanced at Bakura in the mirror. Soon the pleasant scent reached Bakura's nose.

   "God's Ryou that smells good." Bakura whispered, coming up behind the smaller boy.

   "Bakura if you came in here to bug me, I'll just shock you until you leave."

   "Ok, ok you win...look at this." Bakura reached in his pocket and pulled out its contents.

   Ryou looked down and his eyes went wide.

   "Oh god! My ring! You found it!" He snatched the ring from Bakura's palm, but then it took a minute for him to realize something. "Wait...you didn't find it...you took it! You asshole!" He glared at Bakura, and the shock collar remote was only inches away. Picking it up he gave Bakura one hell of a shock.

   "GAAAH!" Bakura fell back, clutching his chest. "Are you trying to kill me?!??!"

   "You died three thousand years ago, and you're still here! I think you can stand to die again!" Ryou yelled. He was about to shock Bakura again, but the fiend had had enough. He took hold of Ryou's arm and pulled the remote free, throwing it to the floor. It snapped in two with a loud crack as the batteries flew out and rolled across the floor.

   "That's enough!" Bakura yelled, releasing his grip. "Now..." He said more calmly. "I did in fact come up here to tell you something, and it's about that ring.  

   Ryou, with his chest still heaving looked down at the ring that he had in his hand.

   "What about it?" He asked suspiciously.

   "Well..." Bakura started, deciding that he was going to try and go about this the nice way. "It's not worth shit." He tried, but hey, it's Bakura; nice isn't an option.

   "Huh wha...?" Ryou looked at the ring closer, he couldn't believe his ears. "You lie!"

   "Why...I would never!" Bakura said, in a mock tone of upset.  

   "But...but..." Ryou slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, looking like he was about to cry.

   Bakura could have cried tears of joy...Malik was in some serious shit now...

   "That ass..." Ryou mumbled, throwing the ring across the room.

Just then, they heard a loud scream and then a tremendous bang come from across the hallway.

   Malik bolted across the hall in nothing but a towel and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Ryou sitting on the bed, nearly crying, and Bakura next to him looking extremely satisfied.

   He walked forward about to kick Bakura's ass down the stairs, when a glint of gold shone from the floor.

   'Oh shit.'

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sorry about the lack of update. This is my first humor fic and I'm not real good at them so it takes a while for me to write one chapter. Thanks for being patient though. I don't know if they'll be any lemons in this fic, I dunno, I just don't think humor and sex go well together, but hey, that's just me!


	6. Banging

    Yea...ignore the title, I couldn't think of a name so this has to do for now! ^_^ Enjoy...I know it's been forever, but I'll try to do better...and this chapter is Yaoi-ish and random eh!

                                                      ~Banging~

 "Heh heh." Bakura laughed in an unusually happy tone as he walked closer to Malik. "Shit's right...and you're in some." He whispered to the horrified Egyptian.

   "Bakura! What the hell did you do?!" He yelled narrowing his eyes in the tomb robber's direction.

   "Shut up Malik!" Ryou screamed, jumping off the bed. His sudden outburst had caused both boys to stop in the midst of their argument and turn to face him. It was so unlike Ryou to yell at Malik like that. He must have been reeeeeeeeally really pissed.

   "Malik, it's not Bakura's fault that you bought me a phony, cheep ass ring!"

Malik lowered his head in shame, knowing there was nothing he could do or say to turn this situation around...well, nothing in front of Bakura, that is.

   "You know, you're right Ryou." Bakura spoke suddenly, taking a step closer to his distraught hikari. "See, if it were my dating you, I would have stolen you the nicest, most expensive ring on the market." He smiled at Ryou, hoping that would score him some brownie points...but it didn't.

   "Yea, well that's because you're a cheep bitch too!" Ryou screamed. "Why did the Gods put me with two of the most insane, sadistic, CHEEP, men in the world?"

   "Umm...because I love you?" Malik spoke up timidly. "A-and I paid a lot of money for our dinner reservations tonight."

   Ryou snorted as if that were the biggest lie he had ever heard, which made Malik feel slightly hurt, and extremely pissed at the ancient spirit standing next to him. If he weren't standing there in a towel [A.N. *drool*] he would have soo kicked Bakura's ass by now.

   "Yea, well...maybe I don't want to go to dinner tonight." Ryou said sternly crossing his arms and glairing at his distraught boyfriend. Malik would have to do a LOT of begging and...kissing...and maybe some fucking...oh gods. Ryou stood there, his body temperature raising slightly as a blush crept its way along his face. 

   'NO stupid! You're supposed to be mad at him! Not envisioning him fucking you!' But alas...Ryou felt his khakis becoming, slightly tighter.

   Praise the gods that Malik was too distracted with what Ryou had said to be staring at his crotch.

   "Ryou! No! We've been waiting for this night for weeks now! And I-" Malik paused when he saw the look on Ryou's face. "Umm, Ryou?" He walked closer to him and waved a hand in front of his face. "Ryou?"

   "Huh?" Ryou spoke, almost in a dazed state. How was it that this sexy Egyptian could do this to him? One minute he was extremely pissed, and now all he wanted to do was...well...Damn Malik and his towel! Showing off his super sexy abs and his deep tan skin. His skin was still slightly wet giving him the sweaty appearance. They had already done it once today...but Ryou wanted more.

   Malik just stared at his partner. Had Ryou totally lost it? At this point Malik didn't know what to do...well, he didn't know WHAT to do...but he knew WHO. He knew that might take Ryou's mind off the ring...Screw dinner, they could be late.

   Malik turned around and grabbed a hold of Bakura's arm, throwing him out the door and slamming it shut behind him.

   Bakura stood out there, totally confused. Were they...about to...get. it. On.? After all that yelling and screaming...they were going to do some other kinds of yelling and screaming? How could the situation change so fast? One minute Ryou was pissed, and now he was horny?

   'ACK!' Bakura thought as he ran away from the door before he heard anything that he didn't want to hear.

   He ran straight to the kitchen and went searching for that bottle of rum that he knew was around here somewhere.

Meanwhile...back in the bedroom...

   "Malik you-"

   "Shh...don't say anything." Malik ordered, pushing his lover down onto the bed. Ryou complied, feeling the other's lips on his neck. 'Oh Gods...just fuck me now!'

   Ryou reached lower and pulled the towel off of Malik's waist.

   Malik was surprised with Ryou's eagerness...but was all too happy to just skip the foreplay and go right to screwing Ryou's brains out.

   He pressed his naked lower parts against Ryou, creating some heavenly friction and causing Ryou to moan out loud.

   Straddling Ryou's small waist, Malik quickly unzipped his pants and slipped them off the boy.

   "Not wearing any underwear eh?" He said with a grin. "What were you planning on doing after dinner?" He said before moving his hands around Ryou's inner thigh.

   "S-same thing we're doing now...but I just couldn't wait until then." Malik was making it notably hard for him to talk at the time

   "Well if we make it to dinner we can screw after that too." Malik said eagerly, licking up the side of Ryou's neck, and biting down on the tender flesh, omitting a hiss from the other boy's mouth.

   "Sounds good to me..." Ryou wrapped his arms around Malik's strong form. Malik rubbed himself against the other boy, slowly and deliberately grinding their hips together.

Both were in for a round of mad hot steamy fucking, totally forgetting about any and everything.

And as for our favorite tomb robber....

Bakura had found exactly what he was looking for. So he flopped down on the couch, bottle of rum on one hand, remote in the other, flipping through the channels and trying his best to drown out the loud screaming that was coming from upstairs.

   This was going to be a long night indeed for the poor, sex driven teen, who was becoming mighty jealous that his hikari was getting some multiple times in one day, and he was left sitting on the couch, not having fucked...or been fucked for that matter...in Ra knows how long.

   Bakura took a good long swig from the bottle as he switched from VH1 to MTV, then from MTV to Bravo...oh Gods...it was those five gay men. At that point Bakura would have given anything to have four of them over here right now.

   Shaking his head and trying to get rid of the hard-on that he felt approaching, he gulped down an excessive amount of rum and continued to stare as the five guys had their hands all over a straight guy.

   "Hey! Don't waist your time on him! He's not a fruit! I am..." Again Bakura poured the liquid down his throat. The moaning from upstairs was growing increasingly louder.

   "Holy shit! Cant you keep it down!" Bakura said with slightly slurred speech.

And back to the good stuff...

   "Holy Ra!" Ryou screamed grabbing onto Malik's arms and steadying himself as the Egyptian boy pounded into him.

   Malik just smirked. This was what he loved to hear. Ryou's screams only made his raging hormones, well, rage even more. Malik ground into the pale boy as their sweaty bodies rubbed together.

   He kissed his way up Ryou neck, nipping and biting at the boy's soft skin. They were really getting into it and Ra...it must have been well over an hour. Suddenly a light pounding (no pun intended!) was heard. It sounded like it was coming from...the floor?!?

   Malik pulled away from Ryou's neck and gave him an awkward look. Ryou returned the expression. But after a moment, when the noise had ceased, they continued where they had left off.

   Minutes later, the sound reached their ears again.

   "Dammit Bakura!" Malik yelled, only to receive an angry look from Ryou.

   "I'm not Bakura!" He screamed, smacking Malik in the face. Oh...what a turn off...

   Since this evidently wasn't working too well, Malik finished up quickly and pulled out, turning around and quickly putting his pants on.

   "I know you're not Bakura Ryou! And thank Ra!" He glared back at the boy, who was lying under the covers, obviously exhausted. "I meant...that's who's making that damn noise. Malik glanced at the clock, 8:30. The still had a half an hour to get to dinner.

   The banging ensued, causing Malik to get quite irate. He walked over to Ryou's bureau and tried to comb out his slightly messed up hair, doing his best to ignore the damn banging.

   After a moment to recuperate, Ryou sat up and put his clothes on, and to Malik's disappointment, he noticed that Ryou decided to wear underwear this time. 'Dammit...it's all over for me tonight." He sighed.

And as for that incessant banging...

   By now Bakura was extremely bored...and pissed, and drunk. The gay guy show was over and now he was forced to watch that freakishly fruity gay guy that talked about decorating homes and shit.

   Plus, the bed upstairs was squeaking like mad and really...really starting to piss him off. So he had the bright idea to go get a random broom and start banging it against the ceiling right under Ryou's room while sing "It's a pirates life for me"

   Once the squeaking had stopped, Bakura felt as if he had done his job, so he dropped the broom and fell down off the chair that he was standing on, passing out on the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Please ignore any grammatical errors. I didn't have time to proof read it...But reviews are still welcomed! (And really wanted)


	7. Vegetarians Make the Best Lovers

Ok...It's been a while; I hope you're still with me. This is a pretty long chapter...I hope this story is still as funny as you think it is cough couch rrright anyway. Maybe I can update more regularly from now on. Maybe not. I'm on my own schedule which is a bit crammed sometimes, and now that school is only a week away well...that's just gives me another excuse...tee hee just kidding. Who knows? Maybe the new school year will motivate me to not be so lazy, get my ass off the couch, stop watching Will and Grace and write more! Yea...like that would ever happen...I can't go a day without watching that show...anyway, here's chapter six, or seven...whichever one we're on, it's been so damn long that I can't even remember. Enjoy.

Oh, and it's been so long that maybe you don't remember either, so Malik has so graciously agreed to give up a moment of his time to fill you in on how things are going....Shoves Malik center stage

Malik: Yea, so far Ryou agreed to let Bakura stay with us...and it couldn't have come at a less opportune time...I mean, I just asked Ryou to marry me! Go figure, that stupid ass tomb robber always ruins everything... So anyway, I had made dinner reservations, but Bakura figured out that the ring I bought Ryou wasn't...um...of the best quality, and then Ryou got mad at me. He didn't even want to go to dinner with me! Heh heh...but I turned on the ol' Malik charm and before you know it we hopped on the bed and I screwed his brains out...finishing just in time to make it to dinner...but there was Bakura, down in the living room, making some sort of banging noise that was bugging the hell out of me...I can't wait to get my hands on him...

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Forget about him, we're going to be late for dinner!"

"I just want to make sure he's still alive, that's all."

Bakura heard faint voices coming from above him, and as he slowly opened his eyes two figures came into view.

"Holy fuck!" He screamed, bolting upright. The world around him was spinning as were the two boys in front of him. "Oh, hello," He said, glancing up at both of them. "My names Booby, and you are?" He said, with a lopsided grin on his face.

Malik, now thoroughly disgusted, walked into the kitchen, filled a cup full with cold water, walked back into the living room and threw it in Bakura's face.

"Snap out of it you disgusting pig!" He shouted in Bakura's ear. But Bakura paid the Egyptian no mind as he suddenly became fascinated with his own hand.

"What would I do without you?" He asked his hand, turning it and admiring it from every angle. "I've had many a lonely night, and you were always there for me." He smiled, kissing his hand.

"Oh that's it." Malik reached into his back pocket and pulled out the magic stick (otherwise known as the shock collar remote).

"Um, Malik, I don't think you should do that, he's..." But before Ryou even had the chance to finish, a sadistic grin spread over Malik's face as he pressed the button.

Bakura shot up in the air as he yelped with intense pain.

"OwfuckowfuckowwwwwFUCK!" He yelled, running around in a circle.

"...Wet." Ryou finished his sentence, looking at his yami with a slight tinge of sympathy. Just then Ryou looked at the ground, and figured out where all that banging was coming from. There on the floor, right where Bakura had been lying, was an empty bottle of rum and a broom.

Ryou glared as he picked it up, now realizing why Malik had said Bakura's name in the midst's of their fucking. Ok, now Malik was off the hook, well, except for the cheap ass ring...but still, nothing that a good fuck couldn't change...speaking of change...maybe he should decide to go commando after all...

Malik turned to Ryou and eyed the broom like a kid in a candy store.

"I'll take that." He said, swiping the broom from Ryou. His eyes followed the tomb robber, who was still running around in a circle. Lifting the broom, he brought it down, cracking Bakura upside the head with a loud bang.

"That'll teach you to do stupid shit while I'm in the middle of getting some." Malik said with a grin as he watched Bakura whine and grab his head, as he fell on his ass.

"Wusssupwitdat?" He slurred, before passing out, yet again, with his face flat on the floor

"Ok, are you ready?" Malik asked his fiancé as he held out his arm, completely ignoring the disheartening wails that came from Bakura.

Ryou nodded, wrapping his arm around Malik's as they strode past the pathetic mess on the floor, and walked out the door.

o o o

The line outside of The Black Angus was long, and there was a three hour waiting list just to get in. That is why Malik made reservations. This was one of the only good American restaurants in Tokyo.

Malik walked up to the guy with the list, and with his best American accent, tried to ask for his table.

"Hello, I want to fuck your mom, is that aright?"

Ryou looked up at him. "I didn't know you spoke English." Ryou said, sounding impressed.

"Eh, I know enough to get around." Malik looked back at the man, who had suddenly gone red in the face and started rambling something in English.

"What's he saying?" Ryou whispered to Malik, without being too conspicuous.

Malik, who was beginning to think that he didn't really say what he meant to, just smiled and turned to Ryou. "He's telling me today's specials."

"Why does he look so angry?"

Malik shrugged. "He's just passionate about his job I guess."

"What's the hold up?" Came a gruff voice from behind them. Malik turned around to come face to face with none other than the CEO of KaibaCorp himself.

'Just fucking great...Mr. Rich Bitch has decided to bring his little dog out for a walk.' He seethed, noticing that bastard blonde whose mind he controlled back in the good old days. Turning back around, he listened to the host, trying to figure out what the hell he was saying.

"Oh, hey Jounouchi-kun!" Ryou said with a smile.

"Do you mind? I would like to get some dinner." Seto said in a snappy tone.

Ryou backed off as he saw Jou shrug and mouth something that to him looked like "PMS."

"Sorry Kaiba, but this man is telling us the special." Ryou said to him.

Kaiba listened to what the man was saying, and he, being fluent in almost every tongue known to man, started to crack up.

"If the special is Malik's mom. Then I think I came to the right place." He started to laugh hysterically while Ryou shot him a nasty look.

Malik, who's back had been turned, caught on to Kaiba's words and he could feel his hands ball up into tight fists. 'No! Keep your calm! You're out with Ryou!'

Slowly he spun around and put on a forced smile. 'He insulted your mom!' His mind told him, but he had enough self control within him to keep himself from ripping the boy's balls off.

"Well then, Kaiba-kun could you kindly tell this man that all I want is a fucking seat!"

"If it'll get your ass out of my sight, then why not?" Kaiba spat as he walked up to the man, and spoke to him.

To Malik's frustration, he saw Kaiba point to him, and then the man started to laugh, as he winked at Kaiba.

Then Kaiba walked back to them, looking way too smug for Malik's comfort.

"It's all taken care of; just give him your name. Oh, and by the way, he speaks Japanese you dumb ass."

Malik could have kicked himself as he told the man his name.

"Right this way." The man said, with a heavy English accent. Malik and Ryou followed him to a table and took a seat.

"Can I get you something to drink?" He asked, pulling out a pen and a notepad.

"Diet Pepsi." Ryou said, smiling.

"And you?"

"Smirnoff triple black."

"Your server will be right with you."

"Thank you." Ryou stated pleasantly. Maybe things wouldn't go so bad after all. Every time he went somewhere with Malik he always had to be the calm one, because Malik still carried around a temper as big as a whale.

Malik sat, tapping his fingers impatiently on the table, as Ryou picked up the menu and casually scanned it over. But the more he looked at it, the more he noticed a reoccurring theme.

Hamburgers, rack of ribs, t-bone stake... 'Oh great.' Nervously he peered over the menu to see if Malik had happened to look at it yet, and he obviously hadn't.

"Uh, Malik..." Ryou said cautiously when he saw the boy reaching for the menu, but there was nothing he could do, Malik had already opened it and began reading it.

His eyes went wide as he stared at the contents with horror.

"What the hell is this?!" He shouted, throwing the menu as far from himself as possible. People near them glanced over to the table, and Ryou's face went red.

Malik glared at all of them until they went back to whatever the hell they were doing. With his anger building, he looked around to find person after person shoving, big, huge pieces of juicy cow meat into their mouths. He could feel the sweat forming on his brow.

'Cool your jets if you wanna get some tonight!' He said over and over again. Finally, their waiter came with their drinks and asked what they would like to eat. Before Ryou could even finish what he was ordering Malik had downed the bottle of Smirnoff and was begging for more. Ryou looked highly uncomfortable.

"And for you sir?" The waiter asked, turning in Malik's direction.

"French fries." Malik grumbled. "And another drink, but make it something very...very strong." Malik figured that if he wasn't heavily sedated he might just end up standing up on the table and doing some sort of PETA demonstration...like his favorite: _Vegetarians Make the Best_ _Lovers... [1]_

"Sir, would you like to try our house special. It's a whole pound of delicious Angus beef, cooked to your preference."

"No! I refuse to eat that shit!" Malik shouted, standing up from the table with his chest heaving.

"Fine then, French fries it is." The man said sheepishly before running like hell back into the safety of the kitchen.

"This place is a slaughter house!" Malik seethed as he crossed his arms and flopped back down in his chair.

Ryou simply closed his menu and looked the other way. "Well...you _did_ pick the restaurant."

"Well how the hell was I supposed to know that this place was so...so, disgusting..." He growled.

As if on cue, that annoying brown haired bastard with blue eyes came waltzing by their table to mock the former killer.

"This place is called The Black Angus, you know." Seto chuckled as he walked by.

"What the fuck does that have to do with the goat milk in Egypt?!" Malik shouted to him from across the room.

"I thought you knew English!" Seto laughed back.

"Well..."

"The Black Angus is English for "Let's all eat meat!"" At that, Kaiba laughed so hard that he nearly fell off his chair.

Ryou just shoved his head in his hands and waited for their meal to come.

o o o

Their meal went by rather uneventfully save for the time that Malik threw the ketchup bottle clear across the restaurant as Kaiba and Jounouchi were about to leave. Ryou chose to ignore that seeing as how it was a very mild behavior compared to what he knew Malik was capable of. But little did they know that a soon to come incident would be the straw that broke the camel's back, or, in our case, Malik's.

As the boy's finished the last of their food, which for Malik, consisted of nothing but French fries, 'damn I shelled out a lot of money for this shit...' Ryou happened to notice, out of the corner of his eye a few waiters coming their way.

'I hope they're just bringing our check.'

But if that were all, then it wouldn't have been a typical night out for the two, because Malik hadn't thoroughly lost his temper yet.

Ryou watched as the waiters snuck around their table and crept their way up to Malik. The Egyptian remained oblivious to all of this as he rested his head in his hand and continued to guzzle down the rest of his non alcoholic beverage (Ryou had insisted that he stop at five tonight). In a flash all of the waiters jumped up and bombarded their table. One of them threw a big colorful hat on Malik as another dropped a huge cake right in front of him.

The white haired boy watched in horror as the events slowly unfolded...this couldn't possibly get any worse, but, as luck would have it, of course it could...

Simultaneously all but one of the waiters pulled out kazoos as the one stepped up in the middle, and not just any one...nope, it was the one who Malik had problems with earlier. He opened his mouth and shouted out loud...

"Otanjobi omedeto gozaimasu!" And then the kazoos started blaring and everyone in the restaurant directed their attention over to the frightened Ryou, and the fuming Malik.

As quick as lightning Malik shot up out of his chair, pulled the hat off, and ripped it to shreds, giving all of the waiters the death glair in the process.

"It's not my fucking birthday!" He bellowed.

By this point, Ryou had sunk so low in his chair that he was almost under the table. He most certainly didn't want to be in Malik's way at the moment.

There was still one gutsy waiter who continued to play the kazoo after everyone else had stopped. Malik turned to him, ripped the kazoo out of his mouth and threw it back in his face.

"Get out of my sight all of you! You worthless mortals!" In a blind rage Malik picked up a fork that was on the table and waved it threateningly at all of them while he stood on his seat.

"I should take over all of your minds!" He shouted pointing the fork up in the air. "You're all nothing but a bunch of worthless Amer-"

Ryou just couldn't let him finish his sentence, or it might have been World War III. So he slipped the rest of the way under the table, and kicked at Malik's chair. Shutting his eyes, he heard the loud crash of Malik's body, ungracefully hitting the floor, as some of the people started to laugh.

'No...don't laugh at him...please don't laugh at him...'

"What the hell are you laughing at you fat bitch!?" Malik shouted at a woman who was seated at a table across from there's. She shut up real quick as Malik stood up and walked over to her table. The entire restaurant fell silent, waiting to see what this maniac would do next. To their relief...or maybe their disappointment, seeing as how this was the most entertaining thing that had ever happened to them, they saw the blond boy reach under the table, grab his younger brother, and help him to his feet.

One young woman seated near all the action just had to comment. "For as crazy as he is, he sure is nice to his brother." She said. Malik caught on to her words and a smile played across his face.

Taking Ryou's hand, he walked over to her and without warning threw Ryou onto her table and roughly started to kiss him, while he reached his hand under the boy's shirt.

Loud gasps and screams issued out from the dining crowd as they watched this boy molest his sibling.

Malik moved on top of Ryou as he caressed the boy's sides. Ryou let out a gasp that was a mix of pleasure and frustration. 'I can't believe his doing thi-oh...that feels so good...' Ryou's eyes rolled nearly to the back of his head when Malik lifted his shirt up and flicked his tongue against Ryou's hardened nipple. The two women who were previously seated at the table quickly got up and backed away as the two boys continued their extreme make out session.

"That's just appalling! Not only are they both male, but they're brothers!" One of them squealed.

Suddenly Malik pulled Ryou's shirt down and yanked him off the table. With Ryou's hand in his he made his way to the exit, but before leaving he had one last thing to say.

"Before I leave I would like to thank you all for watching me and my fiancée perform a demonstration that I like to call _Vegetarians Make the Best Lovers_."

And that was that, Malik yet again left a scene where he had purposely scarred people for life.

Kaiba however, was not a happy camper. His plan did not work out, well...as planned. Malik wasn't supposed to turn a demonstration out of what was supposed to be a humiliating birthday song.

"God dammit why does nothing go my way?" He sighed, moving away from the restaurant window and retreating to his limo where Jounouchi was waiting for him.

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Ok, I hope you liked it; it took me a while, as with all the chapters to this story, it's so damn hard to be funny when you're coming from a story as whacked out as The Evil One, but I try my best. For those of you that are waiting for A New Light...bless your heart, you have more patients than I'll ever have because Ra knows when I'll update that again...but don't worry, I'm not giving up on it. I've spent too much time on it to give it up! Ok, toodles.

Malik: Geesh, for once you didn't talk for an hour. I think I'm going to die.

Well, would you hurry up with it then?


End file.
